Whatever one thinks about sex,
the one thing we can agree on is that more people are having more sex than
ever—even in the Church. Which means the best attempts within the Church to
steer people away from sex is not working.
When I was in high school, sex
was often addressed in a shameful, embarrassing way. Young women were told if
they had sex, their worth was somehow lowered and they would become, at best,
second-hand goods. It was as though their self-worth was connected only to their
sexuality.
Young men did not fare any
better. We were often made to feel guilt for our sexual urges and lust. Never
mind that our hormones were going bonkers—we felt like perverts for the thoughts
that were streaming through our minds. Many young men were guilt-ridden because
of this and had difficulty being honest because of their attending shame.
On top of this, we heard
Christian leaders blame culture and the media for popularizing sex. They blamed
the media for its constant barrage of sexual messaging and accused our culture
for eroding our moral foundation.
What critics like these fail to
see is that the reason sexual messaging is so effective is because, as humans,
we have sexual desire hard-wired into us.
The media is simply tapping
into something that is already there, and the Church needs to tap into the same
thing. We must speak to the God-given sexual desire that exists within us. This
has rarely been done, as we often confuse our God-given desire for sex with our
misguided, self-centered feelings of lust.
I’m not entirely sure that what
people want, at the deepest level, is sex. I think what our sex-crazed culture
really wants is what sex promises: the feeling of being desired.
When we feel desired by another
person, we tap into the deepest longing of all people who have ever lived: the
longing to be loved for exactly who we are. Sex offers this opportunity to
us.
But we seem to have confused
sex and love—you can have one without the other. In our world today, there is a
surplus of sex and a deficit of love.
Perhaps this is why so many
people are having more sex than ever. People are increasingly hungry for another
moment in which they feel desired, accepted and loved by another person. Sex
offers a tangible way for anyone to find this longing fulfilled, even if only
for a few moments.
Some scoff at this idea, thinking that sex is simply
fun and that it feels good. Yes, physically speaking, sex is wonderful, but sex
is far more than a physical act.
If sex is only about a physical
reality, then we are nothing more than copulating animals. I, for one, believe
men and women are so much more than that. Our sexuality is deeply
connecting—emotionally and spiritually—in a way that most want (or need) to
ignore.
Many wrongly believe that
desire itself is evil. As a result, they attempt to curb and deny it. This
frequently proves to be too much, and many give up, while others spend years
wracked with guilt while they privately battle lust and sexual impulses.
We can never forget that sexual
desire is God-given.
The Bible is filled with
positive talk of it. It does not only speak of desiring God, His words, or His
presence—the Bible gets sexual.
There is a book of poetry in
Scripture that is steamier than any Danielle Steele novel and has better
one-liners than a Cameron Crowe movie. The book, Song of Songs, details a
conversation between a man and a woman.
In the second chapter, the
woman says to the man, “Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my
beloved among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is
sweet to my taste” (Song of Songs 2:3). This is unbelievably provocative
language. In speaking of her lover, she uses the Hebrew word chamad.
Here it’s translated “delight,” elsewhere it is translated “desire.” This woman
speaks openly and without shame about her sexual desire for her lover.
Desires are hard-wired inside
of us, and we are meant to live as people who attend to them. To want something
is not bad, even if what you want is to give yourself away in a sexual
relationship. The warning is that, like all good things, when desire gets
twisted, we get ourselves into trouble.
Any discussion about sex that does not begin with our deepest, truest desire for love begins in the wrong place.
These desires are not
ultimately about sex. While our sexual desire can, at times, seem overwhelming;
our desire to be loved, accepted and desired is even stronger. Any discussion
about sex that does not begin with our deepest, truest desire for love begins in
the wrong place.
Those within the Church should
never encourage people to stuff or suppress desire—we need to encourage them to
acknowledge it and embrace it. We must act as guides walking with them and
speaking honestly about our desires. In this, we have an opportunity to point
not only to love, but to the source of all love—a merciful, compassionate,
loving God.
And when we do this, we just
might find what we have really wanted all along—when, at last, we discover a God
who desires us.
___________________
By Michael Hidalgo
June 11, 2013
June 11, 2013
Michael is the lead pastor of Denver Community Church and lives with his wife and children in downtown Denver, Colo. His first book with InterVarsity Press, UnLost: Being Found by the One We Are Looking For, is due out in March 2014.
No comments:
Post a Comment