"Eyes"

My friend and fellow 423 Men member wrote the poem below and offered to share it here for you. He describes with fully disclosed humility the very real struggle of countless men. The words of Jesus ring true in my soul as I reflect on my friend's poem...

"The eye is the lamp of the body; so then if your eye is clear, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light that is in you is darkness, how great is the darkness!" (Jesus, Sermon on the Mount, Matthew 6.22-23 NAS).

Paul, I respect you for your honesty. Thank you for sharing your poetry, your struggle and journey with us. Others will find hope and strength in your words.

"EYES"

I use women to stroke my ego
It is wrong, I do know this
I have pushed away thoughts of rational morality
To satisfy selfish desires in the moment
Not caring about the damage I do to them or myself
Take, and be taken from
I have stolen trust and discarded it
Women have opened themselves to me and I threw them away
With no thought of consequence
My conscience rips at my soul
I am fully aware of what I have done
Solomon said that if you hide sin, you will not prosper
I do not prosper
My mind is in torment

But I know there is hope
Through God, through men of God
I can be a lone wolf no longer
A slave to my own devise
Addicted to vise
Living life unwise
Like a fool
Down’s Syndrome, blank stare, hanging drool
No wonder I loathe myself
I have acted like a coward
There is no reward for this
Only misery

But I can change
I can become better
I don’t have to be the same
I don’t have to live the Lie
I can overcome strongholds that hold me back
The hardest part is that other people are involved
People I have destroyed psychologically
I have found pleasure in their calamity
What is this?
How can I be this way?
It is against all I was raised to be
It is the antithesis of what is real
I want to find pleasure in people healing and finding success
How do I make true amends?
My eye wanders as I ponder
Still making objects of women
Still stuck in the same mire
I want complete control over self
I want to be like Jesus Christ
Is it wrong to just look and observe?
I think it is, because I am still being a perv
I want to kill this so it dies
I want to strangle it with razor sharp zipties
To become whole I must establish self control
My eyes are never satisfied
My lust consumes me wholly
Making me feel weak because I cannot stop it
Why did God make me this way?
Why am I insatiable?
Most would say, “Oh, it’s just natural”
But underneath lust is slithering selfish idolatry
Women as objects are idols
My whole life I have knelt before them
I know it is wrong and I still do it
No wonder I lose motivation and self respect
No wonder I get depressed and put up prideful fronts
No wonder I don’t want to establish a real intimate connection
I am afraid I don’t trust myself
I must reestablish who I am

I continually obsess
My eyes feast on exposed flesh
My weary conscience gets no rest
I think I enjoy doing this to myself
Repeating behavior, creating my own hell
Continually putting off getting well
A struggle most men do not acknowledge
I still slip all the time even with the knowledge

I need to look women in their eyes
Not at their breasts, butts, legs, feet, or thighs
I try to convince myself with lies
That what I do is alright
Bright is the Lie that is white
Shines for a moment then is dark as night
Fight lost – I view myself with spite
My eyes are my biggest problem in life

by Paul Jackson