Saturday, January 23, 2010

"Diving In"

So I am sitting in my car after our 423 meeting and I was really moved by God to commit again my will and heart to pursue Him. The music playing on the radio with Steven Curtis Chapman singing the song that goes, “I’m diving in, I’m going deep…” Feeling compelled to respond out of obedience to God and not just because I want to (change in behavior leads to change in feeling) and I thought, “I am gonna do it. I need to be obedient in my life, lust is the main area right now and I need to stop. I need to try harder…” Then I realized that I would be back to struggling against the noose.

When I was a young teenager I committed to reading my Bible and praying daily and I did this for many years until the shame of porn and masturbation caught up with me. At that time I turned to feelings instead of obeying the verse “I have hid Your Word in my heart that I might not sin against You.” Feelings showed me that I wasn’t feeling better even doing devotions, therefore I was a hypocritical white-washed-tomb and should re-evaluate why I was pursuing God. The shame and self-blame caused through repeated failure led me to stop consistent reading and prayer for 5 years.

If I was to dive into myself and try to stop sinning, try to love God more in action, I would probably relapse even further from God this time. Everything back lashed in my mind in about 90 seconds as I was driving and I yelled out to God, “well what do You want me to do then?” And I waited for an answer but I didn’t hear his voice until I listened to the song. “I’m diving in, I’m going deep, in over my head I wanna be.” In that I heard God, I finally listened.

I need to throw myself into Christ. Not the action of fighting against the noose of sin, but the action of the pursuit of God, of Jesus Christ. Changing behavior begins with investing my time and efforts into the pursuit of knowing God. That is the ultimate goal, to pursue God and leave my sin behind.


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